I had a great day today. God…today was the epitome of great. I ran 13.1 miles at a pace far faster than I expected. This past week had been the biggest mental struggle of my life… my brain just wouldn’t stop, and I completely stopped believing in myself and who I was. I got lost in every bad thought, and it consumed every crevice of my mind.
The morning didn’t start very differently…I felt so unprepared for my race today, and every doubt crossed my mind. I didn’t think I would finish. I just thought I would give up, and I let my mind feed into that. Even two miles into thirteen, I kept thinking I would stop. Every step, my brain told me to stop. But something changed somewhere between mile three and four. I was running up a steady hill next to the ocean, with mountains in the distance.
All of a sudden, everything stopped — my brain stopped, and my body took over. I felt like I had lost all control of what I was doing. It felt like I was high… my body was pushing me up this hill despite everything I thought prior. It reminded me that my body shows up for me when my brain can’t. I kept going and got faster… I was high for miles and didn’t stop. Everything felt like magic until mile ten. That’s when I had to start running with my heart. My heart doesn’t fail. I sprinted across the finish line, and I felt infinite.
It’s like crack… a crack I can’t describe.
Today reminded me that all the bad thoughts and feelings that rule my mind for days eventually pass. All feelings pass, and nothing is forever. Sometimes I forget that.
I lost a heart-shaped earring at my birthday dinner this past year, and today, while I was meditating, I found it in the cushion of the chair I was sitting on. I’d been feeling so lost these last couple of months, and today felt like I found my heart again. So, I went joy-riding…driving on random back roads while smoking a well-deserved cigarette.
I clutched my chest as I sang my heart out to “The Cure” by Lady Gaga and reminded myself that I always find my way back to myself. I believe in me.