There once was a boy in my life who made me feel like I was on fire. It felt like he ignited me from the moment I met him. I’d never felt that way in my life—every feeling I had with him felt so new, like magic sitting right in front of me. There was never a dull moment with him. It was always go, go, go—from driving to random parts of the state, to a shooting range, or sitting on the porch late at night, staring at a streetlamp and talking endlessly about who we were.
Today, I was doing my thirty minutes of daily think time. As a chronic overthinker, you would think this would be the worst idea in the world, but it’s actually been slowly helping me process my feelings. I start with five minutes of trying to meditate…I’m getting better, I swear—but after that, I just sit there with my earplugs in, stare out my window, and talk to myself. Amidst all the talking to myself, I realized the only other time I had done this was with him.
Sometimes we would lie in bed side by side and just talk about anything. We would sit and listen to each other, how our minds work, and how we process things. We candidly talked about our emotions, like a quiet acceptance of the people we are. I admired his brain and the way he thought about things, and that’s when it hit me—how beautiful it is to let someone in, telling them all your thoughts and how you feel.
So, I laid there and reminded myself: I’m my own magic. I have a beautiful mind, and I told myself to appreciate it. And one day, the time will come when I can share my inside world with someone again. I had that feeling once…I’ll have it again.
On that note about feelings, I recently had a very new feeling with a separate boy. This boy made me feel like I was floating in the middle of the ocean, with the sun beaming down like a warm blanket, and I was just calmly lying there within the slight waves of the water. The same way I feel at night when it’s quiet and all I can see are a million stars—like everything exists and then doesn’t all at once. He makes my body feel light like air, as if a silence falls over my brain. I’d never felt that way before. How wonderful it is to be able to experience so many new feelings.
The thought of new feelings, and then them slowly disappearing or feeling like they were taken away, used to scare me. But sometimes, between yesterday and today, I realized that if I can feel this way once, then imagine what it could feel like when it’s right.
I think sometimes I tend to lose myself in the idea that I’ll never have that feeling again, and then I have to remember that one day, a far greater feeling will come. I just have to wait for everything to fall right into place.