I have these moments in my life that I like to call “towers.” They are significant memories or ideas that seem to shake every preconceived notion I had about something. It’s like an idea I held so close to my heart suddenly comes crashing down.
The last time this happened to me was at a wedding, where I realized that one day I want my loved ones to watch me profess my love for someone. Before that moment, I never really cared about that kind of thing.
Recently, though, another tower has come crashing down. One of my favorite coworkers was left stranded at a client’s house the other night because her husband decided not to show up. I was so confused about why he didn’t come get her. I always thought it was sweet how he would drop her off and pick her up from work like a good husband. I found out very quickly that he was not. He blatantly decided not to pick her up.
I won’t go into too much detail, but my coworker doesn’t have a car right now because her son has been borrowing it for some time, so she has had to rely on her husband to take her to work. Her husband has been tormenting her about not having her car since the day she lent it to her son.
And here I thought she was in such a great, loving, over-thirty-year marriage. I asked her why she didn’t leave him. She said she wasn’t financially able to because she just didn’t play her cards right when she was younger. She talked about how she was young and naïve, thinking it was love, only to end up with her husband taunting her about having to pick her up. What an ass.
Coincidentally, at the end of my shift, the next coworker who came in—an older woman who has been married for over twenty years—started telling me about how her husband was an alcoholic. He’s never hit her physically, but I’m sure he’s done a number on her verbally. I’m not sure how we got onto the topic, but she went on to explain how his alcoholism has affected their kids to the point where they won’t come visit anymore.
But before she told me any of this, every other time she talked about her husband, it was all good things—romantic, sweet stories that would make your heart melt.
I asked her the same question: why don’t you leave? She said there was just so much history, and that she did love him, and that it was complicated. He wasn’t always bad, just when he had a drink in his hand. Funnily enough, she said she couldn’t wait until he was dead so she could finally be happily alone—no more marriage, no more partners. Just herself to think about and take care of.
These two conversations within twelve hours of each other were so interesting. It felt like someone was telling me to get my head out of the clouds. And just like that, my perfectly built tower fell—the one that made me believe that if you were older and married, it automatically meant you had the perfect husband. And just because a gesture seems nice, you really don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. The grass always seems greener when you don’t know the truth.
With that being said, I’ve never been more grateful for my singleness. I’d rather be alone than feel lonely next to someone else.