This past Tuesday was the first day this year I didn’t post, which I thought I would feel guilty about, but I don’t want to care. I was in the woods with no service, and it was quite impossible to post. And I don’t plan on making up for it. You wanna know why? Because why the fuck would I? The time has passed, and I had nothing to say anyway. Shocker, coming from a true yapper.
I actually don’t know if I’m really a yapper because sometimes I hate talking to people and go mute. I only like to yap to my friends or, honestly, to myself when I’m alone. Like right now, you would think I’m sitting by myself typing this in silence, but in all honesty, I’m talking to myself while I type. It’s soothing to hear my own voice… is what I would say if I was crazy, but I’m not crazy. I just articulate my thoughts better onto my laptop if I say them out loud, lol.
Anyways, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today. What I wanted to talk about was the fact that I cried after my interval training like a week ago, and all I could think in my brain was, “I miss loving it.”
I fucking miss loving running so bad. I am so fucking burnt out from this training that even trying to get myself to run three easy miles has become the death of me. I hate that training has become a chore I’ve come to resent.
I miss the feeling of getting to mile four or five on my run and feeling free, but right now every mile feels like a battle I can’t win.
I feel that way about almost everything right now. I feel like I don’t find joy in much of anything, and I may possibly be depressed, but I don’t know why. It’s summer, and it’s warm and beautiful—one of my favorite times of the year—and I can’t seem to find joy in anything I used to love. All I’m able to stand is doomscrolling or sleeping for hours on end, and that makes me hate myself.
The day has so much potential, and I feel like I’m wasting it. I’m wasting the precious daylight I so desperately wanted in the dead of winter. And I hate to admit it, but I miss the quietness of winter. It’s so desolate, and no one was outside. I miss the world feeling empty. Now everyone is out and about, and I dislike people.
Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for listening to me complain. Next time I’ll talk about something a little more juicy.
MWAH!