6/22/2024:
Okay ladies, let’s have a conversation. Why is it that when things are going so well, I want to call my ex? I mean seriously — it’s like when everything is going smoothly, I suddenly feel the need to be torn down by a man… a very insignificant man. Maybe call it self-sabotage, but then why can’t I control myself?
This could also be due to the fact that I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, but still… what is it with a good life and a shitty man? Does having a shitty man validate how I really feel about myself? Now that is depressing… I don’t ever want those words to cross my mind again.
I mean seriously, what was I doing? Searching for a man so far in my past that his phone number wasn’t even his anymore. How down bad must one be to Google search a man who put me through a whole ass court case? Call it dumb and in love, or just plain fucking stupid… PLAIN FUCKING STUPID.
We all sit here and want to ask if we’re strong, independent women, but one sip of alcohol and all hell breaks loose. I guess I never cared about my pride anyway. The sad thing is, I don’t think my pride could take a hit — not after I moved 20 hours away from home. It’s not like I could just run back or anything.
The worst that could happen? Feeling lonely. And indeed, I did. This time it wasn’t just that I was alone — this time I was lonely, and I wished I hadn’t taken that first sip of alcohol.
The only thing that could fix me now was a good night’s rest, but it wasn’t even 8 p.m. yet. So I sat…and sat…and sat, until I could convince myself to get up and do the dishes, take my night meds, and brush my teeth.
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