The other day, I made a post showcasing my weight loss on Instagram with two images — one of me at my heavier weight and the other of me that day. I captioned the image of my heavier self with “You’ll pay a price,” and the other with “I paid in full.”
I got so much positive feedback from it. Frankly, I was glorified for how far I had come, but that wasn’t what I meant with the caption.
“You’ll pay a price.” I said that because if I knew then what I know now, at this smaller weight, I’m not sure how my past self would have perceived it. Actually, that’s probably untrue — my old self would have done anything to be as small as I am now. And I did. I gained a whole-ass eating disorder, and with that came the belief that I didn’t deserve to eat unless I moved my body until I was utterly exhausted. Even now, not a day goes by that I don’t think about how many calories are on the plate in front of me. I miss the days when I had no idea — when I could just eat.
What’s even crazier is that people praise me for my weight loss, and that praise feeds into the idea that I should keep up my horrible habits. It’s the worst double-edged sword you’ll ever see — staying thin and desirable, but dying on the inside.
There’s a quote that says, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” and while the statement is false, some days it feels true. Lately, I’ve lost ten pounds and can fit back into jeans I hadn’t worn in about a year. Some of my regular clothes are starting to loosen, and I won’t lie — it feels good. I enjoy looking at my body in the mirror a little more. And I think, unconsciously, I eat a little less so it stays that way.
It’s true what they say — old habits die hard. As in, they never really leave. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in a much better place mentally and physically. I make sure I eat now, and I don’t overdo the exercise anymore, but still, the thoughts creep back in from time to time. And by “time to time,” I mean every day. The food noise isn’t as loud now, and I can listen to my body better, but I did indeed pay in full.
It will always be part of me — the need to exercise, to watch what I eat. I just wish I had been more aware of it in the beginning.
