Someone once told me that some people are simply born sad creatures, as if it’s in their nature to always feel blue. She was talking about her kids—how one of them seemed born happy, while the other was never shy of sadness. I like to believe that what she said isn’t true.
For a long time, I thought I would live a life of sorrow forever. It feels strange now that I don’t wake up inherently sad every day. This whole “content, slow life” phase has been going on for a couple of months, and I can’t help but miss being sad. I even catch myself wanting to feel sad, or being sad about not being sad—which is, frankly, ridiculous.
If I’m being honest, the last few months have been filled with the heaviest weight of gratitude on my shoulders. That probably sounds dumb, but I can’t help it. I’m so grateful not to be sad every day anymore that it brings tears to my eyes.
I was sad almost every day of my life for as long as I can remember—though “remember” really only goes back to when I was sixteen. Most of my memories before then feel blank, like they never fully made it into my brain. With that said, I don’t believe anyone is truly born sad, or happy, or angry for that matter. I don’t think that’s a natural or fair way to see life.
I wasn’t just sad. I was miserable, broken, and deeply confused about life itself. The last ten years felt like one big clusterfuck, and only recently have things begun—very slowly—to fall into some kind of alignment. I don’t have it all together now, not even close, but I do think I lost my mind in a way. Or maybe I lost my old mind. All the things I once believed kept my life moving forward have fallen away, and instead I’ve started embracing what exists in front of me.
Maine winters taught me that you have to slow down and learn to be content within the confines of a small space. That used to terrify me—I thought it would kill me. Instead, I think it healed a lot of parts of me. I once believed I would be sad for my entire existence because I thought that was simply who I was. Now, I strongly disagree.
With a great amount of time can come a great amount of healing. You just have to stay long enough to see it through.