Last night I took myself to a Mexican restaurant with a new book and no plan other than to eat my body weight in chips and salsa. I just couldn’t stop thinking about chicken, cheese, and rice for the past few days, so I let myself indulge. And I have no regrets. I even ordered a bean burrito to-go so I could eat it cold the next day, doused in Valentina. I love cold food—especially if it has a certain texture.
Anyways, after I got done eating, I was stuffed and in need of a light walk. Somehow I ended up in the Target parking lot with no plan other than to walk around, so I’m not sure why I was pushing a cart. But there I was with a whole cart and a plan to buy nothing… spoiler: I did end up buying something. And not just one thing, but multiple things.
I finally got my hands on cherry Diet Coke, Fishwife tinned fish, coconut milk, and frozen red raspberries. I have been obsessed with chia seed pudding, and coconut milk is a necessity to make it—plus the red raspberries since they are my fruit. But the most exciting purchase had to be the cherry Diet Coke. I’ve already drank four, and they’ve been in my house for less than twenty-four hours. Thank God they are calorie-free.
While all this was very exciting for me, I did wonder why everyone and their mother was out on a Thursday night. Don’t get me wrong—it was only 8 p.m.—but it’s usually very dead everywhere here where I live on a weeknight. I saw multiple groups of teenagers or college students just roaming around Target and also at the Mexican restaurant.
I was looking at the clearance clothes when the third group of giggly teens passed by me, and my first thought was, “I wonder what it’s like to have friends?” And while that may seem sad, I genuinely was thinking to myself: I wonder what it’s like to enjoy multiple people and their company at the same time enough to be in a friend group.
I just can’t fathom it. Prior to seeing all these people around, I kept thinking about how this was the most perfect night for me—no responsibilities, my own company, Mexican food, and Target. Anyone else involved would have ruined it for me. I even felt this way on my birthday when I wondered if I should try to invite a friend to go shopping, but the idea of that was physically revolting.
So when I see all these people with all their friends, you would think I’m jealous and wishing for more friends, but I honestly just envy the fact that they enjoy other people’s company.
I don’t know when I became such a recluse, but social interaction is draining and I can only do so much. That’s why I enjoy my long-distance friendship—it’s so low-maintenance. If I call, I can hang up whenever I want and immediately be by myself again.
I wasn’t always this way. In high school I hung out with so many people and almost hated everything about having to do stuff alone. But now I’m the opposite, and I wonder why that is.