Did you know that only 5% of people who lose the majority of their body weight actually keep it off for the rest of their lives, or even for a large number of years? I found this out recently, and it honestly shocked me. I feel like everywhere on social media, all I see are people who have lost a significant amount of weight and had skin removal surgery, which makes it seem like they’ve been able to keep it off long-term. So in my head, I truly thought the percentage would be much higher.
Ever since 2024, when I moved to Maine, I truly have felt like a failure in my weight loss. The lightest I ever got was exactly 187.6 lbs, and after I moved to Maine, my weight got all the way back up to 236.2 lbs, now I hang around 212.2 lbs. I rationalized it with the fact that I was in a new environment and under pretty extreme stress with school. Plus, I was actually eating again, which is the main reason for the gain.
Man, you think to yourself… I lost close to 150 lbs, but gaining forty back feels detrimental. People don’t get it. I’ve spent more of my life overweight than I have in a thinner body. On the inside, I’m still “fat” at heart in many ways. But what I think most people forget is that when you lose close to half your body weight naturally—especially when you’re in your early twenties—you have to keep this up for the rest of your life.
And it’s not easy, to be frank. It’s difficult on difficult. Some days, it feels like if I take even one day off, then I fail. I still worry every day about whether I’m burning enough calories to stay the size I am, or even if maybe I could be smaller. I don’t look at food like a normal person—I can count the calories on a plate without even realizing I’m doing it.
And while I am so appreciative of the body I have now, and the fact that I eat and work out regularly, the rest of my life terrifies me. They say losing weight isn’t just about dieting—it’s about making a complete lifestyle change. But what if something happens and I can’t keep this up? What if I get pregnant and the baby weight never leaves? What then?
I feel like these are things people think about on the regular… but I do. Then I always ask myself, “Will it matter then?” I’d like to think hopefully not—but what if it does?
It’s only been six years of keeping this weight off, and so help me God, I want to stay part of that 5%. But sometimes I wonder… at what cost? A little part of me feels like I’ve given my life to moving my body. And that’s not a bad thing—but sometimes I wish I slept more and did less.
I don’t know, man. When I first found out about the 5% thing, I was so proud of myself for being part of it, since it’s such a huge accomplishment. But sometimes I wonder if I would have been happier before—before the eating disorder I developed and then recovered from, before the nicotine addiction I used to curb cravings (which I also had to quit), before forcing myself to stay on the stairmaster for hours at a time.
I can’t tell you it was worth every struggle just to end up in the body I have now.
Don’t get me wrong—I don’t struggle with eating or body image as much anymore. I actually really love the way I look, and I feel like I’ve really started to embody who I am. But I think that could have been accomplished without having to lose the majority of my weight and then be left with the burden of keeping it off.
But as I read what I’ve written now, I feel ungrateful. Because to love who I am is to have hated the person I was before for she has created who exists.