Sometimes I wonder what it is about hating yourself that feels almost addictive. At some point in my life, I hated almost everything about myself, and it’s so easy to slip back into that. It’s easy to start thinking about all the things I hate about myself… like it’s just the default way my brain works.
And I feel like I should be sad while I say this, but I’m thinking about it purely analytically. I just wonder why that is—why it’s so easy for me to hate myself.
All it took for me to write this was hearing the lyric, “to know me is to hate me and to hate what I have become.” And suddenly, all I can think about is how much I used to hate myself. As I stare at myself and sing those lyrics, I start to nitpick everything I see.
But I don’t hate who I’ve become at all… and yet, it’s very easy for me to convince myself that I do. As if I’ll never be good enough, so I have to hate who I am now—like I’m nobody.
I think this moment I had with myself, within just ten minutes—the song and the self-hatred blending together—reminds me that the mind is truly the most powerful part of us. It can convince you of anything if you let it. And that’s kind of scary… one song lyric, one small thought, and suddenly I’m feeding myself all the things I hate about myself.
It feels like a waste of a thought. A waste of my time. There are so many other thoughts I could have. You can think about anything, and sometimes I think we forget that.
To master your mind is to be truly free—because you can’t run from the thoughts inside your own head.