I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat. I’m tired. I can’t feel anything.
A cigarette, a drink, a late-night McDonald’s binge—the mountains, the stars, the quiet, the calm. None of it seems to work. Nothing that used to bring me a little bit of relief from the outside world works anymore.
I feel lost and incapable of feeling…so disconnected from everything that surrounds me. It feels like I’m drowning while still above water.
My thoughts come and quickly run away. It’s like I’m mindless, relentlessly mindless, as if thinking is something I’m incapable of.
My best vice has always been running away. I’m the biggest culprit, but this time I can’t run. Running away has become a null option, and I don’t know how I’m going to save myself this time.
You know what sucks? Reading self-help books. They’ve done me wonders in not feeling a damn thing in this world…so much so that I can barely care about myself.
All these books tell you everything is going to work out and everything will be okay, no matter how much or how little effort you put into life. It’s like it’s all set for you regardless.
So why care at all?
If everything will be fine and work out the way it’s supposed to, then why care? Why put in any effort anyway? The dice will roll the way they want regardless.
You want to know how to stop caring and absolutely not give a flying fuck? Tell yourself it doesn’t matter anyway. Become empty, because no matter what you do, nothing truly ever matters in the grand scheme.
Life goes on whether you want it to or not. You don’t give up. You keep going even if you feel nothing. You have no choice. One foot in front of the other…the night comes and the sun follows.
You don’t get to stop. You just have to keep going.
“They say it builds resilience,” or maybe it just makes you numb…so numb that it’s one big relentless game of waiting for the next crash, the next downward spiral, where you tell yourself it doesn’t matter anyway.
Do you see the beauty in not caring now, or is it a never-ending nightmare?