I grew up getting the silent treatment from my father, and I hate to admit it, but I’ve done it too. I used to go silent whenever I felt any sort of emotional turmoil. Spoiler alert: it never made me feel any better—just left me filled with pent-up resentment. To this day, I struggle to communicate unless I truly feel like I’ll be listened to without judgment, and only if I feel safe. Anyone who makes me feel even slightly uneasy will never know if they hurt me. I don’t see why I should put myself in a position to get hurt just to go unheard.
It’s out of fear that I don’t say a word. Fear that they will blame me for how I feel or ignore my feelings altogether. I remember what it was like as a child, when I used to scream and scream with tears falling down my face, begging for my father to listen to me. I also remember doing the same with an ex-boyfriend. All I ever wanted was for them to understand how I felt—but they never even cared to listen.
Do you know what it’s like to speak and never be heard? To plead and plead for someone to have just an ounce of understanding, and they won’t even look at you? My feelings were already hurt before the argument—let alone how I felt afterward. The day I begged my ex-boyfriend to listen to me was the last time I raised my voice at someone like that. That was three years ago. I swore to myself I would never again beg someone to try and understand how I feel—not in any relationship, including friendships.
I don’t like it when people treat me the way my father did. That’s everything I’m trying to get away from. But it feels like a revolving door I can’t get out of.