I woke up holding his thumb. My back was turned to him, and that tiny grip was the only point of contact between us. God, I used to think there was no one on this Earth that I could ever comfortably sleep next to unless we slept on opposing sides of the bed, but here I am, clinging onto his thumb like I might die without it. Just the mere thought makes me want to vomit, but—on the very, very down low—I’ll admit I like it.
I’ve only ever experienced falling asleep and waking up in someone’s arms three times in my life, all with the same man. I can’t say I don’t like it. I like that when I roll a little further away, his body follows me and presses into me tighter. I like the warmth of his skin, the heaviness of his arm across my waist, like a weighted blanket.
A little part of me wants to see it as a sign, but the rational side of me reminds me that maybe I’m just touch-deprived and in desperate need of physical touch. Which, as pathetic as it may sound, may be true. So, I won’t be delusional just yet.
Sometimes you just have to enjoy things while they last… not everything has to be forever.
Earlier today, driving, I thought about a quote I once heard: “Never take it seriously. If you never take it serious, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun.” But let’s run that back—if I never take anything seriously, I might not get hurt, but in return I’ll also never have anything serious. Which, to some extent, is the point of dating—well, actually, I think it may be the whole point.
I think, inherently, we are all looking for someone to spend our whole life with that we love. Whether you get married or have a family is beside the point. We all want someone to come home to at the end of the day—someone who we love and who loves us back.
This quote is a double-edged sword… you see, you may have fun and short-term gratification, but at the end of the day you’ll never have anything of substance, which may make you feel more empty in the end. On the other hand, you take your chance and give people significance, open yourself up, and get stabbed a few times in the process. Either way, there’s pain. But no risk, no reward. You just have to decide which pain is worth it.