Sometimes I forget how good my friends are—especially the ones that just let me be me. Free of judgment, and instead of trying to change me, they take the time to understand the way I am. I feel like I always take them for granted until my life goes to shit. Lately I’ve been leaning on my friends a lot. So many things are about to change within the week, and I’m scared.
I can’t say I’m a big fan of change, even though I always seem to be changing things in my life. I think this one just feels different—more out of my control and unplanned—so I’m a little freaked.
You ever get freaked out about acceptance? Let me add some context. In the past, I’ve lost friendships because of judgment—me thinking my friend wasn’t living “correctly” just because it wasn’t my way. It’s one of the biggest reasons I live alone. I’ve always been so bad with things being out of my control. In some ways, I’ve grown out of that—like letting other people drive or adjusting plans without losing it. I’ve also come to a place where I choose my friends, and I choose to accept them as they are. Now, if I start making negative judgments about a friend, I give myself a couple of weeks to decide: either I accept that part of them, or I end the friendship. Because I truly believe that if I can’t think positive thoughts about my friends, then I shouldn’t be their friend. It’s like that saying, “if you’re not for me, you’re against me”—at least in friendships.
All of this to say: my best friend of all time is moving in with me because of some really rough financial circumstances. And I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to judge him for fucking up his life, and I don’t want to. I just want to help him without judgment. But I’m terrified that past me will crawl back out—and past me is a bitch. The worst, judgmental, mean bitch you can think of.
I spend so much time alone, and that helps me not hate everyone the way I used to. But now I’ll be coming home to someone, and that terrifies me—to the point where I cry. I so badly don’t want to revert back to the girl I used to be.
But maybe I can look at the bright side and see this as another chance to grow. A new learning opportunity.
At the end of the day, I just want to be a good friend.