There is a saying that one of my friends has been repeating: “Your new life is going to cost your old one.” This morning, while I was reading a new book, the author talked about how mountains are formed by two plates slamming into one another to create something massive. The two plates represent the conscious and unconscious parts of our mind—who we are—and when they collide, it’s pure chaos. The collision is necessary for growth, even if it breeds discomfort. I didn’t realize how much this saying had been resonating with me over the past couple of weeks.
Let me give you a bigger picture by starting with the most predominant issue. I started my year off by becoming involved in an affair—with someone I thought was a good person—but I think I was just feeding into something my old self craved. I craved being loved by a man I knew I could never have. I knew better, and I chose worse. I thought sexualizing myself and sleeping with men without commitment was part of my past… but here I was, just a couple of months ago, falling back into bad habits. After the affair became public and I was living in shame, I couldn’t help but feel like I was going backwards. All the progress I had made with my mental and physical health felt like it had been thrown out the window, and I was starting from rock bottom all over again.
The girl I was a year ago seems like the most disciplined version of myself, and it feels like every day I’m chasing her. In the past month…I started running again. I started watching what I was eating again. I started avoiding boys again. I started reading self-help books again. I started picking back up all the good habits from who I used to be—but that’s not me anymore. And it is so frustrating to realize that that version of me will never exist again.
So many things have changed in the last 365 days. I moved across several states, started school, and got a new job. I can’t keep expecting myself to be the person I was. Comparison will kill me far faster than anything else will. I also can’t keep tearing myself down by thinking I’m starting from the beginning again. Nothing in life is linear. My progress certainly hasn’t been. But I’m far more equipped than I’ve ever been to handle any challenge thrown my way.
And this morning, I realized that I need to let my old life go. I have to let go of the idea of who I once was and just let myself be who I am now.